Wednesday, September 21, 2011

New Avengers #5

Oh man it’s Wolverine. Hey Wolverine! How are you! In every comic book ever? That’s neat. I wonder who he’s mad at. Is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong?

LAST TIME: The Avengers are totally together again, and as their first action, they make Electro pee himself. Then they manage to get a bunch of criminals sell out their allies for a donut. Then they fly to the Savage Lands for reasons that aren’t incredibly clear, and for some reason Wolverine is there.

Page 1, Panel 1: OH SHIT! Did you forget there was a T-Rex?! You shouldn’t have forgotten!

Page 2, Panel 4: Yeah, it’s okay guys, I’m sure Iron Man has this handled. Don’t immediately jump to his aid, just wait for him to show off.

Page 3, Panel 6: You didn’t expect to explode inside a T-Rex’s mouth? But you knew you were going to the Savage Land! That’s like rule one of Savage Land: T-Rex.

Page 4, Panel 4:
Oh yeah! Bring on the funk. Oh wait, that’s supposed to be a sound effect? Funk?

Page 5, Panel 2: You DIDN’T know it was Wolverine? Who else is there with three blades coming out of his hand?

Page 6, Panel 2: Wolvie, healing factor bro. I’m pretty sure you’ll be fine.

Page 6, Panel 7: The sound of trying to speak while your vocal cords are slowly regenerating themselves is apparently “Puh.”

Page 7, Panel 3: Guy calls the X-Men for help and they send one guy. Sure, it’s their top guy, but still, one guy. Also, you can just call the X-Men on the phone?

Page 7, Panel 5: Of course your plane crashed.

Page 7, Panel 8: HAHA! Wolverine called someone Happy Pants. I’m going to call everyone Happy Pants now.

Page 8, Panel 3: Too soon, Spidey. Spider Island won’t happen for a few more years, you’re the only guy with Spider Sense at the moment. (In fact, ironically, you’re the ONLY person in New York without Spider Sense right now.)

Page 8, Panel 6: Oh shit! Generic brown blobs! (Seriously colorist, tone it down.)

Page 9: This is a good page. Nice panel slices, some actual damn color, and everyone passed out, so that’s great.

Page 10, Panel 4: And now everyone is naked. Well, they were trying. Although there’s a convenient white band to protect us from seeing penises, how modest.

Page 11, Panel 8: It does not take much to get Jessica Drew to want to quit.

Page 12, Panel 3: How very PC, evil villain. Don’t want to offend, so just refer to Peter as a Spider-Person. In fact, the team now officially has just two Spider-People.

Page 13, Panel 1: How’s it going? I’m the bad guy, but I look just like everyone else because I’m also not wearing a shirt.

Page 13, Panel 4: Cap wouldn’t be so mad if a bunch of single orphans were killed during the breakout.

Page 13, Panel 6: Really? Who guaranteed you that no hero would do any hero stuff? You live in the Marvel universe.

Page 14, Panel 2: Guy’s got a point. Does anyone know who this character is?

Page 15, Panel 1: That’s a great plan, anonymous villain! Turn the world’s greatest heroes into mutates (how?) and send them after the surface world. Actually, yeah, because nobody would dare hurt them, and you’d have control (somehow). Do it!

Page 15, Panel 4: Has an Avenger ever asked the team to assemble when everyone wasn’t standing right there? This joke isn’t that funny.

Page 16, Panel 2: What’s File Unlock 54/11? Is that code for “shoot the thing?” What a weird code.

Page 17, Panel 2: And what? AND WHAT? Seriously, what were you going to say next, Spider-Woman? You are talking about naked, everyone wants to know.

Page 18, Panel 3: Um, this isn’t a foreign country. This is the Savage Land. Not really a government to speak of.

Page 18, Panel 4: Let’s take a break from this tense political discussion to listen to Spider-Man talk like an infant.

Page 20, Panel 6: You mind telling any of the readers about those horrible things? Because we still have no clue who this villain is.

Page 20, Panel 9: Damn it Logan! You’re a loose cannon!

Page 21, Panel 1: OH SHIT! This guy could turn into a pterodactyl? I’m pretty sure we knew that, but DAMN! Fight is instantly more awesome.

Page 22, Panel 1: A pterodactyl with hypnovision! Why didn’t you tell me this villain was so great before?

Page 22, Panel 3: And he just got shot in the head by someone I don’t recognize. Fucking great.

Page 22, Panel 9: And they take us out with a Ronald McDonald joke. Thanks, dicks.

Verdict: MAN! I was so excited about an awesome fight with a pterodactyl. Literally the most exciting thing that has happened all arc, and they just end it unclimatically for some stupid twist. I hate twists that kill awesome things.

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