Demon King Daimao - Episode 5: "Underground Labyrinth"

Um. Okay. I haven’t really heard of a labyrinth that wasn’t underground. Well, except for the titular Labyrinth, with David Bowie. Okay never mind. I guess this is a sign that you’d kinda want to see. Then you know to turn around!

LAST TIME: After some bullshit, our main character gets put into detention, for some reason, and after hijinks, he finds a map, that is apparently a really big fucking deal. After some nonsense, involving some character we have never seen before inviting him to her Magic Box, he now has to follow the treasure map because…

New Avengers #6

And let’s give another round for our cast! Although I’m confused why Wolvie and Spider-Man have to hang out with the scrubs in the lower right there. They’re just as big as Cap and Tony, and are definitely a lot more important than that building. Seriously, who did Stark Tower pay off for its placement here? How does it have an income? It’s a building.

LAST TIME: We are in the Savage Land, where there are dinosaurs and everything crashes, and after some fapping around, the heroes run into exactly who they were looking for and get half the answers they want. And then, awesomely, that guy turns into a pterodactyl with hypno powers. And then he gets shot in the head, because tension is important, I guess.

FlashForward - Episode 17: "The Garden of Forking Paths"

Instead of subtly poking at the title, let me tell you about the time that I was seriously considering writing an article explaining how the post modernism in Borges’ short story “The Garden of Forking Paths” was helpful in understanding writing roleplaying game campaigns. The opening statement would conclude with me quoting the story and then follow with the sentence, “It all depended on who won initiative.” Really.

LAST TIME: It is suddenly three days from DD-Day (Dmitri’s Death Day), and Dmitri finally decided to flip fate the middle finger and run the fuck away! No wait, he planned to do so, but first he hangs around town for like a day, giving ample time for D. Gibbons to kidnap him, as well as FBI Guy’s daughter. Oh, also, Doctor Wife made out with Magician Guy, which is bullshit.

Demon King Daimao - Episode 4: "The Isolation Cell is Fun?"

Maybe they have a game closet in there? You can play Parcheesi while you’re being punished for an unspecified crime! Royal game of India!

LAST TIME: I still have no idea…our villain (who is suddenly a villain) tries to trick our hero into injecting himself with some pills that would make him fall in love with her, and somehow this caused the entire school to chase the hero with swords, and then rice fell from the sky, and oh god brain aneurysm.

New Avengers #5

Oh man it’s Wolverine. Hey Wolverine! How are you! In every comic book ever? That’s neat. I wonder who he’s mad at. Is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong?

LAST TIME: The Avengers are totally together again, and as their first action, they make Electro pee himself. Then they manage to get a bunch of criminals sell out their allies for a donut. Then they fly to the Savage Lands for reasons that aren’t incredibly clear, and for some reason Wolverine is there.

Toyota Vensa

Because fuck young people, with their Facebooks and their Friendsters and their Youtubes! Class warfare is where it's at! Ignore the fact that everyone is this ad looks like an alien from Galaxy Quest, obviously the problem is people with enough disposable income to buy this stupid hunk of steel. Old people know where it is at! Down with the young! Don't cut Medicare!

FlashForward - Episode 16: "Let No Man Put Asunder"

I was going to tell a grammar joke, but I misunderstood what was a verb and what was an adverb, and it’s a bible quote anyone so it doesn’t really matter, because that book plays by its own rules anyway, so let’s call it a wash, huh?

LAST TIME: There was a mole in the FBI, so they spend the whole time trying to weasel that out, and eventually it’s revealed to be someone we don’t know, but in a surprise twist I guess FBI Lesbian is also the mole? Meanwhile, the Japanese lady struggles to get a job and eventually is taken in by ICE, all while her future boyfriend is macking on Babysitter chick. So…sucks for her, I guess.

Demon King Daimao - Episode 3: "A Slightly Intimidating Senior"

She walks up on you with her cane and her dentures and tells you a story about World War II and…oh, you probably mean the other kind of senior. (Easy joke.)

LAST TIME: Things calm down a bit and apparently our MC is being watched by a robot, no clue why, and then he goes into the woods so he can talk to someone. This process, for some reason, requires him to stare at panties. Oh, and there was a head in a jar.

HTC Status: Blink-182

HTC Status: The only phone that does something completely and absolutely useless.

No really, who the hell would ever use this? Who would want a passive aggressive phone that demands that every single time you took a picture or whatever that immediately insisted that you told everyone you know? Every single time you take some neat picture of, say, a dog in a sweater, your phone is immediately going to say, "You should post that on Facebook!" Fuck that phone! Fuck everything about that phone! And fuck Blink-182, while we're at it! Go back to obscurity where you belong, you tattooed holligans!

New Avengers #4

You guys like splash covers that convey absolutely nothing? Because this has to be like the fourth one we’ve had so far. Out of four. Although I hadn’t noticed that Spider-Woman’s costume has fins or something on it. Is that so she can swim better? Does Spider-Woman swim?

LAST TIME: After that totally climactic prison fight that we sure did see, Captain America wants to get the Avengers back together, but without the influence of governments or secretive headquarters. So he invites all his friends and Spider-Woman, who works for a government organization, and they go to Stark Tower, where they will operate unbeknownst to the public. Going well so far! Oh, and Spider-Woman is probably evil.

Stoli: Julia Stiles

Stoli vodka: But seriously, what has Julia Stiles been up to? Dexter? Dexter doesn't not count.

I will not bag on Julia Stiles, because she is a lovely lady who did very well being a complete bitch in that one movie I saw her in. Nor will I unfairly mention that she hasn't been in a "movie" for over four years. No, I'm going to mention how eerie it is that she can convey two different people that are obviously her! The power of the ponytail!

FlashForward - Episode 15: "Queen Sacrifice"

This is a chess thing. I know what chess is. That means D. (D stands for Douchebag) Gibbons is probably going to make an appearance. Although why this guy goes by D. Gibbons when he's actually named something entirely different is a very good question that I hope gets answered.

LAST TIME: The majority of the FBI and Friends went to Africa, where all non-named characters were shot by a vicious warlord. The one who had to stay home got in a lot of fights with his wife. Also Nurse Guy apparently forgot about his Future Girlfriend and instead spent a lot of time flirting with Babysitter and tells her he has cancer. Have you forgotten he has cancer? You wouldn’t be blamed.

Demon King Daimao - Episode 2: "Secret Surveillance Agent"

As opposed to all the normal surveillance agents, who are watching your every clandestine move for reasonable reasons, and always wave hello when you go out for coffee in the morning.

LAST TIME: Hell if I know! Some guy joins some magic academy and the Sorting Hat says he’s going to be the Demon King and that suddenly makes him the school pariah and his girlfriend keeps wanting to beat the shit out of him because of it, but she keeps losing and all her clothes fall off. Also two other ladies show up in the last two minutes for no reason, but they’re on the cover, so I guess they’re important.

Bucky Larson

Presented without comment. Because I can say nothing more damning.

New Avengers #3

Have you guys heard about this Sentry guy? He stands around in space and looks all dumb with his stupid, copyright-infringing belt. I love all the help he gave last issue, when he flew exactly one super villain into space and brutally murdered him, then didn’t bother to come back and help everyone else. What a champ.

LAST ISSUE: All the criminals broke out of Pottymouth Prison and beat the crap out of Spider-man, and then everyone got together to fight as a big team, but then the Purple Man just told Luke Cage to kill all his friends! What will happen next, gentle viewers?

T-Shirt Model Theater: Threadless

Alright Threadless, I understand why you want to get in this game. I mean, you have actual creative, clever, artistic shirts, created by actual artists and voted on by your strong userbase to be put on sale to an adoring public. You're not a team of skeazy, worrisome scam artists who wholesale steal ideas from the Internet and slap them on your poor quality shirts. And you offer some reasonable prices for your work, too! But there's just one problem...that is not a pretty lady. That is a beardsky with a snake on his neck. That's not how it is done, guys. Not at all.

FlashForward - Episode 14: "Better Angels"

Because our…current angels just aren’t good…enough okay I got nothing. This is a beyond stupid title, it’s so dumb I can’t even make fun of it.

LAST TIME: Beardo went absolutely ballistic because his daughter was kidnapped by the randomly evil Jericho corporation, Dmitri’s girlfriend got a little too involved in his work life, and have the FBI is going to Africa, which is apparently very dangerous. Boy, the stakes could be…higher. Wait, what does Beardo’s plot have to do with anything? Is Jericho responsible for the blackout somehow? They better be.

Demon King Daimao - Episode 1: "The Demon King is Born"

So…season 2 of Sekirei is not going to happen. At least not now. The decision was based primarily on the fact that the season is currently only subbed, and I think having to both read and come up with funny stuff would be pretty tough, so I’m going to skip it. Instead, I’m going to move onto something new, something I’ve never heard of, something without gag boobs. That’s right, that classic, Demon King Daimao! What? Never heard of it? Well, it’s got a king, he’s a Demon, don’t know his name, could be anything. Anyway. Let’s get moving!