The Gates - Episode 1: "Pilot"

Netflix Synopsis: Ah, life in suburbia: neatly mown lawns, tidy McMansions cowering behind securely locked gates: This is the life Nick (Frank Grillo) longs for, and this is the life he gets when he signs on as police chief in a planned community. Too bad his neighbors aren't human. With wolves in sheeps' clothing -- or more accurately werewolves and witches -- all around him, the new chief has his hands full protecting the community in this supernatural drama.

Wolves in sheeps’ clothing, get it?! With a title like the Gates, and from the trailer I saw a couple of years ago, I was assuming this was a True Blood clone, so it would be vampires. But I guess changing to werewolves proves it as a clone, I guess. This also might be the first show I’ve done on here in which I don’t recognize any of the actors. That will cut down on all my good “previous works” jokes. Because everyone loved those.

Space Dogs

Netflix Synopsis: This animated treat follows pampered dog Belka, who is the star of a Moscow circus in the 1950s. When she gets lost, she's befriended by a feisty stray named Strelka, who joins her on an adventure that leads into outer space.

Ho ho what a wacky adventure! Dogs being shot into space by the Russian space program! That wasn’t a supersad story! Not every single animal that was shot into space died horribly!

Rosario+Vampire - Episode 18: "Curry and a Vampire"

So…a curry monster then. Sure. Let’s have a curry monster.

LAST TIME: The young witch has body issues, which some ill-defined monster uses to trick the witch to age up five years so she has a rack. We stare at that for a while, and then everything just changes back! Not supersure why. I guess her friends saved her from the monster? I don’t know.

Son of Hulk - Issue 16: "Enemy at the Gates"

I too would be wary of someone with blood-soaked hands, Galactus. Your apprehension is appropriate.

LAST TIME: Everyone apparently excepts Hiro as a god, and he decides to be super dickish to everyone. The other two factions on the planet, the space Russians and the hot ladies, join forces with some traitor lady to try and kill him. It’ll probably go nowhere. Also, Galactus yelled at us.

Day Break - Episode 13: "What If It’s Him"

What does that even mean? What if he’s being the conspiracy? Because unless they are pulling a Usual Suspects or a Pluto Nash on us, I really don’t see that happening.
LAST TIME: Turns out Moon murdered her dad! That’s what she’s been worried about this whole time. And despite the fact that it was a crime of passion, and she could have gotten only manslaughter for it, she decided to hide the body using the super-secret society that controls everything. I guess a bunch of other stuff happens to, but nothing that makes it at all clear how this thing will shake out.

Rosario+Vampire - Episode 17: "Body Measurements and a Vampire"

…you guys seriously with this? No really, in what possible way can this organically be presented in an ordinary high school setting. This is the panderingist thing I’ve seen.

LAST TIME: It’s Parents Day, and the mothers of the two most interesting characters are apparently feuding for a dumb reason. It managed to devolve into dumb combat, and it didn’t really resolve itself, and we can probably just forget this one.

Son of Hulk - Issue 15: "Dangerous Tribe"

Hey there’s the Hulk! Nice of him to make an appearance. Now let’s continue to read this story about some kid who doesn’t look at all like the Hulk, doesn’t have powers like the Hulk, and who we only know is related to the Hulk based on his hearsay.

LAST TIME: The Messiah lands on some planet and just starts killing everyone, and we’re not really told why. We also have no reason to care because everyone involved is a full Kevin Bacon removed from anyone interesting in the Marvel universe.

Day Break - Episode 12: "What If She's the Key"

They better be talking about Moon and explain the hell her problem is. What did she do? WHAT DID SHE DO? I must know!

LAST TIME: Taye says fuck it, and decides to go hang out on the beach for a couple of weeks. He eventually gets crabby and snaps at Moon, who now walks up not okay with Taye and turns him into the police immediately in future todays. So…the conspiracy starts to unravel when its revealed that literally everyone is in on it. Even you! Even me!

Rosario + Vampire - Episode 16: "Mother and Child and a Vampire"

You know, each of the titles pointlessly pairs a random noun with a vampire, but this one makes the least sense, and incidentally is also the most terrifying. Something awful is going to happen to that mother and child, I don’t want to stay for this.

LAST TIME: Sister Assassin continues her harassment for 15 pointless minutes, only to eventually get over it when bitchy white-haired vampire shows up, and they hug it out. They also unintentionally raise the metaphysical issue of where exactly pink-haired vampire comes from, since she only exists when she’s wearing the rosary, and the bitchy version is apparently her default. But unless they print the answer on some panties, I doubt we’ll ever figure it out.

Son of Hulk - Issue 14: "Planetfall"

These guys seem cool, at what level do I unlock these guys? I mean, if it’s too late in the game, they almost aren’t worth it.

LAST TIME: The surviving members of the planet Sakaar flee in a rockship after the planet’s destruction (not pictured). One of them is the Messiah, and proclaims vengeance against Galactus, the mindless immortal cosmic force, because it’s totally his fault that the planet and nearly everyone on it was killed (It’s not.) They go to a planet full of racists.

Day Break - Episode 11: "What If He Walks Away"

Oh man, is he finally just saying “Fuck It” and going to DisneyLand? Because I so want to see Taye Diggs riding the tea cups. It’s not weird.

LAST TIME: Taye figures out who murdered the DA, but oops, time resets itself, too bad. But he’s getting closer and closer to the conspiracy, I’m sure it will totally pay off here. Maybe we’ll find out about that thing that Moon did, that has been mentioned all but twice so far and everyone has likely forgotten about.

Rosario + Vampire - Episode 15: “Little Sister and a Vampire”

We already have a creepy lolicon character! This is unfair, creepy anime that spends way too much time focusing on women’s underwear oh never mind I get it.

LAST TIME: Everyone is back to school for some old bullshit, but things are mildly different, because now there are fan girls, and also the vampire is being stalked by some assassin. That assassin turns out to be her little sister, which is weird. I mean, sibling rivalries can only go so far, you know?