LAST TIME: Our heroes gets shot dead. Super dead. But it doesn’t take, apparently, and he wakes up in a morgue and has a good old fashion freakout and escape. Then the main morgue lady goes into a random convenience store and runs into a group of people we have never seen before really concerned about keeping Simon alive, who apparently is in danger of dying again. WHAT?
Page 1, Panel 1: Um…two times? Wait, does Simon wear a full face mask? How would he eat if he was wearing it? Also, where are we sudden at a Romanian castle?
Page 2-3: Well this is bananas! There is a lot of insane happening here, but I think the best part is the blimp. “Victor Whale’s Bargain Body Parts”
Page 4, Panel 3: Oh a dream sequence you say. Didn’t see that coming.
Page 5, Panel 1: Well that was emo. You don’t care about me, I have no friends, I’m going to my room!
Page 5, Panel 3: I mean, do you even know who we are? I mean serious. We’re not even sure who we are.
Page 6, Panel 5: Our hero everyone! Stumbling over his own feet and mumbling to himself like a lunatic.
Page 7, Panel 2: Oh, he’s troubled by that book he stole. That he could have easily downloaded on an iPhone or something. It’s in the public domain, buddy.
Page 8, Panel 5: Oh right, that crazy eyeball in the wall thing. Glad that paid off right away.
Page 8, Panel 6: Hey, hey guys, what are you guys doing back there?
Page 9, Panel 4: OH NO! Where is that book that I was reading in my bed not a night ago? Oh, right next to my bed. It’s all so obvious now.
Page 10, Panel 1: Worse full page spread ever. It’s a door!
Page 11, Panel 2: Dramatic coffee drinking.
Page 12, Panel 3: Again, don’t move to Gotham! Criminals literally everywhere.
Page 12, Panel 5: Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you. I’ll only rape you. Rape isn’t a serious event that causes lifetime suffering, right?
Page 13, Panel 3: HELLO!
Page 14, Panel 2: Okay great, one thing happened, that totally required an entire page.
Page 15, Panel 3: This is a totally normal conversation to have while I hold this random unconscious thug by his neck, right? I…kinda don’t hang out with people.
Page 17, Panel 5: Just talking to an eyeball about some cryptic bullshit.
Page 18, Panel 3: Yep, that was kinda the best thing I could have hoped to happen to that random creepy eyeball. Go for the fence!
Page 18, Panel 4: And this dumb jerk is now writing in pain! Just use a security camera next time, dummie!
Page 19, Panel 4: Zooey Deschanel is…some random chick who will never be mentioned again, because seriously, who gives a fuck about Simon Dark?
Page 19, Panel 5: Super-latte! 20% more powerful than regular latte!
Page 20, Panel 4: Don’t know why you would! How can you possibly link some random dude to some random murder because he was carrying some rope? That’s just poor police work.
Page 21, Panel 1: Hehe, hot coffee. You guys remember that dumb scandal? Hello? This mike on?
Page 21, Panel 3: I really am a lecherous dick. In the years I’ve known you, this is the first time I’ve not been trying to put my penis inside you.
Page 22, Panel 1: Whazzuuuuuupp!
Page 22, Panel 2: You can tell it’s not from Batman because the sheet of paper doesn’t have his letterhead on it.
Verdict: Man, nothing still hasn’t happened yet. Simon wakes up and runs away from some dudes that we will never learn the names of, stopped a random rape (don’t move to Gotham), and then some other random stuff. Still not engaged. At least the art is stylistic? Yeah, this is still dumb.
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