0:05 Ah! San Francisco! Where nothing bad happens ever!
0:42 Just being creepy as shit. Just creeping on ladies.
1:04 Where as you are putting up a goddamn spotlight of your location.
1:53 Well, I’m pretty sure that the little girl is alright and definitely not kidnapped.
2:32 Wait, so the bad guys made an identical angel balloon animal to entrap this woman? That seems…needless.
3:13 Ug, maybe check your resolution settings, that painting looks pretty pixilated.
3:42 Oh no she’s trapped! And then the room starts flooding with water! (Like I said, only played like an hour of 999.)
4:22 And then she realizes that phones exist, and goes to call someone on one. Oh no, never mind, she sees a security camera and gets paranoid.
5:13 BEEP BOOP! “She’s okay!” BEEP BOOP!
5:48 Wait what? Her second instinct is to try and use nails to pick the lock? What kind of deviant criminal is she?
6:32 Oh no someone is trying to open the door that I was just trying to open! Panic!
7:01 Oh fuck, this really is the plot to 999.
7:30 It is obviously a hotel! There’s a Gideon bible and everything!
8:49 Room Service!
9:04 Hey, great weapon there chief. A poorly-formed piece of broken wood.
9:37 I like how everyone is freaking the fuck out without even bothering to look out a window.
10:04 Grr I’m a zombie!
10:46 That’s not very fair. He doesn’t look that bad, Paris Hilton.
11:06 Guys, you guys, go downstairs and make sure you are actually locked in before you start jumping to insane conclusions.
12:33 Anyone got any pot? No?
13:05 Alcatraaaaaz.
13:43 Wait, that lady runs a daycare out of her house? Where were the other children under her care?
14:17 I am impressed at these two characters’ ability to state the goddamn obvious. “You’re looking at me.”
15:03 Counselors are notorious worth nothing.
15:39 Exactly how many hours have they been trying to light this fire?
15:57 Maybe we should all get really paranoid like right away.
16:32 The soldier is saying soldier-y things.
17:52 They look like they are afraid someone will smell the fart they just ripped in the elevator.
18:30 My my, look at all those easily-breakable windows that lead to the ground level. (Series over.)
18:53 Wait, you are just now realizing it’s a hotel?
19:06 Wait, the doors are unlocked?! We are literally 20 minutes in! What is the suspense here?
19:43 How was that worth commenting on? Yeah, some towns have Chinese food restaurants. Deal with it.
20:45 Also, it’s apparently 1963, because there are typewriters here for some fucking reason.
21:47 You know, if I were kidnapped, I would handle this a whole lot better. I mean, I wouldn’t grab a gun and start threatening people.
22:28 What about your wife, dummy! You said she would be literally lost without you!
23:49 Did everyone in this series just finish watching the pilot of Battlestar Galactica, why are they so paranoid?!
24:58 Goodbye forever, crazy lady!
25:30 Mysterious work, which will be hinted at and not fully explained all season.
26:20 And….he’s dead. Good, fuck that guy.
26:56 Yeah, shithead, I think they were shot.
27:29 And everyone walks over there and passes out, like a Three Stooges routine.
28:12 I had my….being filthy rich and bitchy. It’s a consuming hobby.
28:40 Lady, I’ve known you for thirty seconds, and I don’t think you’re a good parent.
29:49 Hey, fuck you lady. Fuck you entirely. You are probably a bad guy. So…screw you.
30:13 What I don’t understand is why the bad guys don’t have good high quality cameras. What’s with the scan lines?
30:39 HAHAHA. Oh man, the three passed-out people have been lying there for HOURS. It is now dark.
31:22 Here you go, free shotgun. Enjoy.
32:00 This milquetoast lady is suddenly in completely control somehow.
33:08 That’s a reasonable reason for this plot to continue! They’ve all been drugged!
33:36 Come on guys, free Chinese food! Why are so suspicious?
34:11 I can’t imagine how giving these paranoid kidnapped people a shotgun could have gone badly!
34:53 Threatening foreigners is getting us nowhere!
35:16 Man, this mystery drama could really use a Hurley. Just someone totally willing to go with the flow.
36:28 Feeling great! You guys should all really loosen the fuck up!
37:04 When did this guy grow a goatee?
37:30 He left them a bill! How are they going to pay?
38:12 Yep, he wasn’t lying for no reason! His fortune cookie actually says that!
38:43 Let me just stuff this into my pocket as suspiciously as possible.
39:13 No, let this guy kill himself. Screw this guy and his dumb goatee.
39:42 No seriously, why did they give the hostages a gun?
40:45 Despite only starting here yesterday, I totally live at this hotel. No questions asked.
41:20 Oh hey, an actually interesting plot point! Murder bargains! Exciting!
Verdict: This is kind of ridiculously stupid? Nobody is really reacting like a human being to this strange event, going for histrionics way before asking reasonable questions, and the latter introduction of other people who are blisteringly ignorant of how weirded out these people must feel just makes it worse. But hey, I’m willing to hold out for a while to see if anything comes up! Definitely not threatening people at gunpoint because I don’t have all the answers! (Seriously, these people became psychopaths way too quickly.)
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