Little Break

I had planned to everything up and going on Wednesday, and then Wednesday happened, and then the weekend happened, and now we're here on Monday, so I'm just calling this and letting you know we will be back and running again on Friday. Sorry in advance.

Shadowpact - Issue 8: "Ragtime"

Why is everyone punching Ragman? I don’t think he’s that bad a character. I mean, he’s stupid and mean, but not worth punching.

LAST TIME: The Shadowpact’s official cast goes from two full-time dogs to only one part-time dog, and then a bunch of jerks show up and start beating up the heroes, only to be blinded by Nightshade. Thanks, Nightshade. Also, Nightmaster is an asshole, and he made a bad Asimov joke.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 2: "No Ordinary Marriage"

Okay, I’ve done my research to find out what else these poor actors have done, and have some startling results. The daughter was an actor in the hilarious TV movie Cyberbully, the son played the young James T. Kirk (you know, the one who fought Robocop), the DA’s movie career was launched by the movie The Pest with John Leguizamo (I know!) and did the rapping segments in “Opposites Attract“, and the female assistant is the most attractive person on the planet Earth. Oh, she also played Marcia in the worst idea ever, “The Brady Bunch in the White House.” So there’s no confusion, I will be referring to them as Pills, Tiberius, MC Skat Kat, and Marcia, respectively. Thank you for putting up with my childish name calling.

LAST TIME: Some random family crashlands in South America and this somehow gives each of them separate and distinct superpowers. It’s okay, it happens in all the comic books that way as well. Anyway, Chiklis decides to use his powers to fight crime, while his wife just runs a lot. We also find out there are other people with superpowers, which I’m sure won’t come up again.

The Little Engine That Could

Ah man, I loved being forced to listen to this story during my graduation, I’m so excited to see it on the big screen!

Netflix Synopsis: The timeless children's classic comes roaring to life in this star-studded animated tale of a train who overcomes every obstacle in his way. Repeating the words "I think I can, I think I can," the little engine scales heights and finds friends. Whoopi Goldberg, Jamie Lee Curtis, Corbin Bleu and Brenda Song provide the voices in stories about resilience and the value of companionship and teamwork. All aboard!

Corbin Bleu is in this! That’s all the commentary I got, because that is hilarious. That guy was the nobody from High School Musical!

Demon King Daimao - Episode 11: "The Girl's Final Battle"

Because even though all the primary antagonists are dudes, it’s really the ladies that we’re interesting in seeing duke it out. Pretty weird though, considering the majority of them of them are on side Demon King. Well, except for green haired chick, but her powers are so vague that I doubt she’s actually any good in a fight. Well, maybe someone will die. That’ll be interesting.

LAST TIME: OH I DON’T KNOW! For some reason demons took over the school and there's political intrigue and the MC decided that he wants to punch out God and frankly I’m confused and a little upset. Maybe this episode will clear everything up?

Shadowpact #7: “The Laws of Battle”

Yeah, I’d be pretty shouty too if I had to wear some ugly white cowl like all the rest of my cult members. I mean, you probably wouldn’t get to personalize it at all. They probably get handed out at the beginning of every meeting…all full of someone else’s head sweat.

LAST TIME: Some guy with a shitton of dogs attacks Shadowpact and managed to turn two of them into mastiffs. Also, we were told the story of Flippy the bartender, who once knew Batman and developed telekinesis, and for some reason couldn’t get a job even though that ability is really awesome. And…that’s it! It was pretty filler.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 1: "Pilot"

Okay! Where to now? What miraculous failure of a show do we move onto next? Maybe one in which they shamelessly rip off the Incredibles, which itself was shamelessly ripping off the Fantastic Four? I think that’s a good idea, self. Let’s move on to No Ordinary Family, which has the most annoying episode naming convention since Friends. Seriously, starting every episode name with “No Ordinary”? It just makes it really difficult to tell what episode is which. But first the pilot, which is boringly named Pilot! Not “No Ordinary Pilot,” which would have been just fine! Jeez!

Demon King Daimao - Episode 10: "Akuto’s Great Capital War"

I don’t know…I’ve seen better capital wars. I mean, in others I can actually tell who the bad guy is and why.

LAST TIME: One part sad drama about a woman trying to talk herself into an arranged marriage with a complete jackass, one part insane gibberish hidden behind blood. I really couldn’t tell you what the conditions for the start of this episode are, because I have no idea who the villain is or what he’s trying to accomplish. So…okay.

Shadowpact #6: "The Wild Hunt"

That’s…a lot of goddamn mastiffs. I mean, they are cool dogs, but more than a dozen? That is kinda overdoing it. I also like that they call out the two people that they didn't put on the cover, as if those people are in any danger of dying. Yeah, sure, comic book characters dying. Craziest thing I’ve ever heard! (RIP Ralph Dibny. Pour one out for my elongated bro.)

LAST TIME: Everyone had a beard! They tried to pick up their scattered lives after losing a year, and someone took over the bar, and the Ragman was attacked by some DC Universe character. Oh, and some unknown Big Bad apparently inspired Batman, which is the craziest damn thing I’ve heard since Batman fought some giant plant in the future or something. I don’t get Morrison at all.

FlashForward: Episode 22 - "Future Shock"

Oh man I loved this Magic set. Oh wait, that was Future Sight. Um…I was a fan of that…book by futurist Alvin Toffler? No…that doesn’t work either. I don’t know, last episode, moving on!

LAST TIME: Nobody gets what they want. Everyone is sad and alone, FBI Guy is in jail, Charlie and crew are going…somewhere, Beardo’s daughter is dead, even Babysitter is sad because of something that is not worth being drowned over. It sucks for everyone, okay?

Glup

It hasn’t come up here before, but…I hate Spanish animation. I don’t know why, but every CG movie from Spain has been over the top in terms of story, animation, and general awfulness. They seem to know precisely what they aren’t doing, and it’s kinda fun to watch. So, let’s watch something so Spanish they didn’t bother to translate the cover art.

Netflix Synopsis: After chasing her favorite toy into the trash, Alicia ends up trapped in the foreign surroundings of a garbage dump. Now, her only friends are the cast-off things that live there, including a crusading toaster and a valiant trench coat who goes by the name Detective Glup. They want to help Alicia find her way home, but first they've got to circumvent the wicked Don Bater, who wants to lure Glup and his friends into the incinerator!

…couldn’t she just talk to the dump manager? Where are her parents? Is Glup the stupidest name they could come up with? And what makes a trench coat a detective anyway? Also, Don Bater?

Demon King Daimao - Episode 9: "Crazy Fuss about an Arranged Marriage"

Yeah, what’s the big deal? I mean jeez, it’s not like our societal values have adjusted greatly in the past 100 years that the mere concept of women being auctioned off to the highest bidder is seen as barbaric by most Western cultures and is gradually losing favor, even in Japan. I mean come on, it’s not like this show was produced just last year!

LAST TIME: The hero is suddenly very concerned that his good friend isn’t going to class, and so he does something about it. Of course, it doesn't really get resolved because a monster shows up, and for some reason our hero just sits and watches as his friend solves the problem instead. It was pretty much all filler, but there was no nudity, so I liked it.

Shadowpact #5: "One Year Later"

Who the hell built that monument? The only people who seemed to care that Shadowpact has been missing for a year was the Phantom Stranger, and he hadn’t given up on them yet, even having random ladies go on guard duty to look for them. Also, pigeon pooping on Blue Devil’s head!

LAST TIME: After getting captured, the team is set free by some moron who changes side for no reason, and then Nightshade saves the day by capturing pretty much anyone. Then some magic happens and it’s a year later, and everyone suddenly has a beard. Even the women! (Not actually the women.)