Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Shadowpact #1: "Death in a Small Town"

There is but one reason and one reason alone I am reading Shadowpact. Okay two. The first being I just finished a Marvel story, so I should wait until I go after Trouble (Oh yes, it’s coming). But the second is Detective Chimp. Who doesn’t love Detective Chimp? He’s a monkey who wears a deerstalker! There are also five other guys here though…and I only really recognize Blue Devil, also known as like the only Christian in the DC universe. So of course he looks like a devil. So let’s meet all these other guys, huh?

Page 1, Panel 1: What’s supernature? Is that like regular nature, only super?

Page 2, Panel 1: Oh hey it’s Superman. What the hell are you doing here in the middle of the forest?

Page 2, Panel 2: Wyoming? Superman regularly flies over Wyoming?

Page 4, Panel 1: Superman has three tricks. Just three. Luckily for most problems, he tries punching it last.

Page 5, Panel 1:
Why are all these perfectly-matched-against-our-heroes bad guys standing right by where Superman is looking at ’em? Isn’t this bubble covering the entire town?

Page 5, Panel 3: This boy scout seems really quick to head for the murder option.

Page 6, Panel 4: Dick move little girl. I mean, three adjectives to insult this guy?

Page 7, Panel 2: You…you didn’t see the solid red barrier before you crashed your truck into it?

Page 8, Panel 1: YEAH! Happy Gas Elephant! He’s wearing sunglasses, he’s cool.

Page 8, Panel 2: Yeah, we know what necromancy is. I think they still might have Evil Dead 2 at the local video store here in Nowhere, Colorado.

Page 8, Panel 4: You have the name of everyone in town? How? Also, why not just choose for the sacrifice the oldest or most despicable members of town? Won’t get many complaints that way.

Page 9, Panel 4: Yep, sure does suck that you choose to perform this necromantic ritual in their town, one that requires HUNDREDS OF SACRIFICES! Go ahead and try to look sympathetic.

Page 10, Panel 2: Oh okay, it’s a blood dome. Made with…a few drops of blood enlarged? I don’t think blood works that way.

Page 10, Panel 3: To be fair, all Hal Jordan though to use was guns and giant robots. Heck, wouldn’t a giant green syringe take care of this?

Page 11, Panel 1: I was here the whole time!

Page 11, Panel 3:
“Can you get rid of the barrier?” “No, but I can merge myself with it so I can someone can get inside. Oh, that’s just as good. Well, never mind then. Let’s do that.”

Page 11, Panel 4: Yeah, come on, Superman. It’s like your only other weakness. Don’t volunteer to go punch magic guys.

Page 12, Panel 2:
Instead, go off and find someone else who is just going to try and punch the threat to death…

Page 13, Panel 3:
HAHA! You know, that red guy with the filed horns in the movies! The guy whose name we can’t say out loud because that would infringe on a copyright! You know! That guy!

Page 14, Panel 1: Oh right, Spectre went ahead and destroyed most of the world’s magic…for some reason. Boy, kinda glad that plot is gone.

Page 14, Panel 2: Detective Chimp needs 12 reasons not to become a drunk monkey. I think his criteria is a little…broad.

Page 14, Panel 4: Wait what? Detective Chimp is a) well over 50 years old, and b) spend an entire 50 years drunk? Can…can we get that as a miniseries?

Page 15, Panel 3:
Um, wouldn’t it have been easier to just call up the leader of the Shadowpact and told them to get the gang together rather than calling each one of them individually? It’s not like the team wasn’t already formed.

Page 15, Panel 4: Yeah, Green Lantern and Superman were just hanging out in the woods waiting for back-up to show up for at least six hours. They had nothing better to do.

Page 17, Panel 4: Did we really need the scene where the portal guy gets bounced off the blood dome like it’s a trampoline? We could have just assumed he was kicked off because he said as much would happen like three times already.

Page 18, Panel 1: Oh fuck, that all happened over a year ago? They’ve been in there for over a year?

Page 18, Panel 2: Hey the dog talks! And his name is Wondrous Rex! And he is best friends with Detective Chimp! I want this dog!

Page 19, Panel 3: Someone vomited, is what he’s trying to say.

Page 20, Panel 1: Yeah, she can just make crows. No big deal.

Page 21, Panel 2: Apparently one of the bad guys is gardening. And is not super concerned that a flying person is talking to her.

Page 22, Panel 1: And she can apparently turn into a monkey. Okay, sure.

Verdict: What? That’s not where you end an issue. There was a threat of violence against a monkey! (Man, there are a lot of monkeys in this.) Not bad, kinda silly, didn’t expect Superman to show up. Although apparently I should know who these guys are already, which isn’t really fair to me.

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