Netflix Synopsis: After Buddha gives the Jade Emperor the task of ruling the Earth, the emperor must find a way to help humans avoid chaos by learning to tell time. He stages a race among the animals, with the 12 winners becoming the symbols of the zodiac.
The humans don’t know how to tell time? Also, if there’s a race to determine who gets to be in the Chinese zodiac, how the hell did the rooster get on there? ROOSTER! They move at, what, 100 yards an hour? They can barely fly!
Also, I don't know where they got this cover from! None of the characters in the movie look like that.
0:07 Oh, the Fantastic Four apparently animated this. I didn’t know that was something they did.
0:51 Because they are Asian, you see.
1:33 Listen, predators. You already have a noticeable advantage over a rat, there is no need to guilt trip him with something I entirely doubt he did.
2:29 Tom Arnold, everyone! You think he might still be on television, but you aren’t sure!
3:31 Oh good a book. (Why the hell is that a thing? Why do some many movies start with us staring at a pile of paper?)
4:05 Since the beginning of time, human beings have been fucking clueless. How can you not tell how days work? It’s pretty straight forward. Sun comes up, start of new day. BAM.
5:31 Oh hurray, my child is a boy! Instead of going to look at it, I’m going to go pray to something!
6:30 CHINA, YOU GUYS!
7:13 What is with the pop-up book style? I…I don’t get it.
7:53 Don’t trust that guy! He’s fat!
8:46 Yeah, setting up guardians will tend to protect people, that’s kinda how it works.
9:38 I never understood the fan guys in these stereotypical Chinese situations. There is no way they are waving those things fast enough that it will do any good.
10:27 These cows totally just did it!
10:53 Maybe don’t congratulate him the same way you would talk about someone eating their boogers.
11:20 Yo, maybe think of some new minions. Mudskippers are pretty lame.
13:04 Did that heron just die? Why?
14:15 They are seriously just screwing with me at this point. Nothing that happened makes any sense right now.
15:08 Those who don’t wish to enroll, what the hell are you even doing here?
15:49 Oh….needless exposition.
16:43 It’s me, the ostrich! You might not know me because I’m so not native to China, so of course I’m not going to win.
17:22 Oh fuck, songs? Why do they think we want to hear their insane dialogue set to a melody?
19:18 Oh hey, the Goodfeathers are still getting work.
19:40 I’m…pretty sure I’ve heard this exact same thing before. They seem to be just mashing random pop songs together.
21:26 WHAT? How could that possibly work? How could the rat accidentally enter into the tournament?
22:18 HAHA! The rat is named Ringo? I guess he is everyone’s least favorite rat.
22:42 Isn’t this the palace? Where are we going? What kind of race is this?
23:29 He…he kinda did it completely by accident. It’s not like he intentionally had his name entered into the book of whatever.
24:00 What’s up, Homer Simpson. Why are you a turtle?
26:12 I don’t care about your problems as long as it benefits me!
27:38 Can we…meet his master? Because this dumb cow keeps blaming that guy for his misfortune.
28:50 You’re having a problem you say! (SLAMS DOOR)
30:27 Also, we are entered into the exact same race, so sitting on your head for the majority of it is really advantageous to me!
31:13 Meanwhile, at Not-Pride Rock…
32:24 You are the lord of the jungle! That’s why you live in a cave!
33:05 Does anyone fall for that bullshit? Where someone is being all brown-nosing and then suddenly clam up and force you to ask what’s wrong? Because we’ve seen it in movies a dozen times and it’s completely bullshit every single time.
34:38 This scene is pointless. You can tell because it ends with the words “oh well.”
36:15 Fox off!
36:51 Did these guys not understand what race means? You are trying to get to Point B! Leave as soon as possible! Don’t just…fucking chill at your home for days!
37:40 What is paschus?
38:13 Hey, why don’t we just turn around and go back the way we came? That surely won’t affect our position in the race.
39:46 Looks like Fox is blasting off again!
40:22 We, creatures who exclusively have hooves, should try to fix this fence.
40:59 Guys, you are way off track if you’re in the Black Forest. That’s in Germany, dummies!
41:59 Wait what? What is this dumbass “Let Me Show you the World” song out of nowhere? He had literally had no reason to start singing.
42:48 Should I sing this song in my dumb guy voice, or…?
43:34 Aren’t these animals in a race against each other? Why are they forming teams?
44:20 Guys, it’s a weird sound. Maybe don’t panic and immediately start begging for your life?
45:27 The snake is pregnant? Don’t snakes lay eggs?
45:58 A title that was completely meaningless to me a week ago!
46:29 Yeah, the trials of that snake whose name we just learned really breaks my heart.
47:08 We just had a shitty slow melody song already! Not five minutes ago!
48:05 Yeah, so sad, a snake abandoning her eggs after she laid them WAIT A MINUTE most snakes do that! That’s how snake reproduction works!
48:55 This cow must suck at Oregon Trail.
49:26 This was a ridiculously stupid idea! Why did I jump into the river to get you? Why did you jump in the river?
49:54 Beee-ohhhh-uup!
50:49 Oh right, the evil tree spirit. I kinda forgot she existed.
51:37 Wait, did the announcer just say that they escaped? Because they totally got sucked into that evil portal.
52:19 Can you hear me quietly whisper my request for help, person that I have no reason to believe is anywhere near by?
53:05 Hold up, there’s a fucking dragon in the race? How the fuck is the race not over? He can fly!
53:49 I think you might be overselling this, dragon.
54:29 You want to see something impressive? How about even more of the same thing that I’ve done already!
55:20 Oh great! Flashfloods! Nice work, you shitty dragon!
55:54 And now God is mad at him!
56:03 “Please simmer down, your Majesty.”
57:07 He’s not in the clouds, dipshit! He’s a cow! Check the ground!
58:56 So…her plan is to sell this single basket of food to her competitors? Maybe stop eating the merchandise, monkey.
1:00:25 Also, I can plainly see the cat because she’s like 20 feet away.
1:00:55 You’re on fire! Go to the water you idiot!
1:01:50 Did you have…something to say to the owl? Or you just saying “hey.”
1:02:05 Jeez, this heron is such a nag.
1:02:40 What is this “we” business? Can’t only one person win?
1:03:37 Yeah, just kinda wait out the avalanche that’s heading right at you.
1:04:45 Did the rat really just skip out after the cow told you to tell his family about his horrible death?
1:05:10 Wait, he had that rope the entire time? What a dick.
1:06:01 Are the soldiers standing ankledeep in water?
1:06:43 I mean, I totally cheated and you saw me do it, but you’re cool with it, right buddy?
1:07:56 So wait, race is over? Why is there still 15 minutes left?
1:08:40 Dick move, dragon. Dick move.
1:09:07 Yeah, why? You knew exactly where he was going. Why didn’t you just go there and wait for him?
1:09:44 This disturbance is totally your fault, shit dragon!
1:10:46 Um, nothing. Nothing is happening. You got to show some action, not just have the character say there is trouble.
1:11:33 Maybe not have the palace here? It seems prone to sudden terrible earthquakes.
1:12:03 I will hide from the evil tree spirit in this tree!
1:13:04 She waited until they were all conscious before burning them to death because that’s the kind of evil tree spirit she is.
1:14:28 Did you just forget? What’s with the waiting?
1:15:03 Untie them already! Also, exactly how many times is the dragon going to put out the fire? Sixteen? Seventeen?
1:16:07 Oh man, I totally didn’t see that happening. The tree spirit ate the dragon!
1:16:27 And the dragon exploded out of her, because that’s what happens when you eat your opponents alive. Come on, dummie.
1:17:18 Why didn’t the dragon carry them?
1:17:33 It’s been literally hours since I feel off this cliff, but I’m still hanging in there!
1:18:22 Even the characters want everyone to shut up.
1:19:15 And now everyone is laughing hideously.
1:19:50 Guys…the race is OVER. Stop trying to juice the drama about the final three placers.
1:21:07 Oh thank goodness, I thought they were going to name every single creature again, and I didn’t want to hear it.
1:21:31 And a curtain falls out of nowhere to end this shit!
1:21:55 That was real moral of the story! Cat hate rats because
1:22:18 And now, for a likely quite inaccurate introduction of the current year. Sure hope you watched this in theaters kids, otherwise this part will confuse the crap out of you.
1:23:05 And now…we’re going to embarrass the crap of our voice actors by showing them speak these stupid, stupid lies.
1:24:00 That lady was even more insane than I expected!
Verdict: Well of course that was bad. They just introduced all these characters who had no reasonable motivations. Why did anyone do anything? What was with all the conflict? And if you know you’re going to have at minimum 12 main characters, why would you add some many others? Fuck the fox, is what I’m saying. For some reason the first song was surprising catchy, if insane, popping into my brain when I didn’t want it there.
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