Rosario + Vampire - Episode 5: "School Swimsuits and a Vampire"

Oh man is it time for the beach episode already? I would have hoped we had a little more time. Some time to reflect and think about all the time we had before the beach episode, before the ultimate moment of desperation.

LAST TIME: Some nerds try to get their mack on with the main girls, and it doesn’t work, because they are nerds. Also, the MC creates a conflict that is pointless and doesn’t actually matter. Be prepared for that to happen about ten more times.

0:30 The main character is the star player of the soccer team? Could you have set this up at all?

1:27 Who is buried in this graveyard? How sad are they that their sanctity is being corrupted by high schoolers marching through it on the way to school every day?

3:36 Wait, the entire cold opening was a goddamn dream?! Fuck that shit.

4:14 How dare you point out that I’m a cat lady?! I will SLASH YOUR FACE!

4:38 MUMMY CLUB! Please join Mummy Club!

5:35 Swimming! Today’s youth want to splash and play in our Olympic-sized pool! Join us today!

6:17 Wait, her special necklace thing isn’t water resistant?

6:45 Come on bro, look at the tits! (These bro characters are kinda awesome.)

7:37 Wait, I have an extremely sexist reason to join this club! Please understand!

8:08 Vagina faceplant! It's been a while since we’ve had one of those.

8:45 Yep, just taking off my bikini top like a regular person.

9:49 I’m confused, is this idiot in love with the vampire or not? Stop being a jackass, jackass.

10:10 Apparently water is a vampire’s weakness?

10:49 Here is the Motown remix of the theme song or something.

11:11 BRA-BUSTING? And what is up with this sudden music video? What is going on?

12:27 They literally said, “melons of mine a squeeze.” Everyone watching this should be on a list. (I’ll take one for the craft.)

13:37 Hey they’re playing chicken! I used to love this game because women would touch me while we played it! (Hey man, it was high school.)

14:22 Has she been in this alley for days?

14:42 He hadn’t thought about you in one, singular incident. Give up on him entirely without telling him the completely rational reason why you are so upset.

15:47 Oh hey, mermaids. Yeah okay, I called it. Although I do not know how they get away with sucking people’s life essence on school grounds.

17:19 Who didn’t know that she was a vampire?! She practically screams it.

17:45 You jumped in the water, even though it would completely cripple you and make you useless to everyone. Good work.

18:45 So…when she is even more of a vampire, she is immune to water? This doesn’t make any sense.

19:51 Haha! I’ve got you right where I want you! Fifteen feet above water! I, a mermaid, am completely at full strength here.

20:48 Yeah, shithead. At least ask some basic questions about why she wouldn’t want to join the swimming club. Or why she would have a weakness that is completely negated during a rainstorm. Or would defeat her as easily as the Wicked Witch of the West.

21:48 Meanwhile, a random chick in a bikini.

22:36 Oh that’s the cat lady. I couldn’t tell because I couldn’t see her cat ears.

24:29 Listen, I know enough Japanese to know that the last line of that song is the word “I.” That seems like a dumb way to end a song.

Verdict: I am still not convince that this school isn’t the worst idea in history! They have a club that literally sucks away the life essence of men through hijinks? And what kind of lame weakness is water anyway? And what happened to everyone else who joined the swimming club? Are they just dead now?