Day Break - Episode 3: "What If He Let Her Go"

As long as he doesn’t give her up or let her down. Yeah that’s right, Rick Astley jokes are coming back!

LAST TIME: Taye Diggs got shot! Luckily, despite bleeding what seems like gallons, it didn’t affect him and he managed to escape, only for that dumb timeloop to swing around again and he was back home, and instead he does some other stuff.

what's UP balloon to the rescue!

Netflix Synopsis: Using the powers of a magical stone he discovered, Dr. Crumb transforms his house into a hot-air balloon so that he and his heroic -- and brainy -- companions can pursue monsters in this enchanting animated feature.

What’s up? A copyright infringement lawsuit? Ah dang. Also, here’s hoping this isn’t one of those fake out CGI covers that’s actually a lazy Flash cartoon. Also, over/under on the plot including a talking dog?

Rosario + Vampire - Episode 7: "Snow Girl and a Vampire"

Is that the thing where some teenage boy makes a regular snowman and then packs two lumps on the torso and then chuckles to himself and then feels burning shame and knocks it over? Because I have no idea what that’s like! (We had unusually light winters when I was a teenager.)

LAST TIME: Our, um, team joins the newspaper club and meets a pervert who is also a werewolf. The werewolf does some super obvious stuff until eventually being cornered and subsequently beaten up and exposed, yet I have the strangest feeling that this asshole isn’t going to go away.

Squadron Supreme - Issue 6: "Questions of Loyalty"

Is this the viewpoint of a cat? Why is he throwing his dumb throwing stars at a cat? I can’t believe Nighthawk hates cats! The monster.

LAST TIME: Our heroes continue to kill brown people, and it’s okay because the bad guys are evil, you guys. Also a lot of revenge murder. It was kinda too much.

Day Break - Episode 2: "What If They Ran"

I kinda like the naming convention here. It fits the convention pretty well, and it makes it clear what we might see. That said, we already know what happens in they run. The bad guys who are supposedly everywhere try to stop them with vans, and it will probably reset to the day of anyway. DUMB PLAN, TAYE.

LAST TIME: Some random police officer walks up and has the worst day ever, in which he is accused of murdering someone, caught, and eventually dragged to an quarry and hassled by Mike from Breaking Bad. Then he wakes up and has to live the day all over again! But he is much more proactive this time, punching some people, escaping custody, he handles it really well. But he does eventually get caught. So, the next time, he says, “Screw it,” and runs. Man, that was not snarky at all. I might actually like this show!

Zodiac: The Race Begins

Netflix Synopsis: After Buddha gives the Jade Emperor the task of ruling the Earth, the emperor must find a way to help humans avoid chaos by learning to tell time. He stages a race among the animals, with the 12 winners becoming the symbols of the zodiac.

The humans don’t know how to tell time? Also, if there’s a race to determine who gets to be in the Chinese zodiac, how the hell did the rooster get on there? ROOSTER! They move at, what, 100 yards an hour? They can barely fly!

Also, I don't know where they got this cover from! None of the characters in the movie look like that.

Rosario + Vampire - Episode 6: "Newspaper Club and a Vampire"

As a person who proudly spent seven years in the newspaper club through high school and college, I will say that it is the dorkiest club there is. At least Glee Club is willing to go out in public, at least Yearbook Club only has one nerdy thing to produce a year, at least Stamp Collecting Club is economically viable. Let’s see how dumb and self-absorbed the monster version of Newspaper Club is.

LAST TIME: For some dumb reason, instead of joining mummy club, MUMMY CLUB, the main character joins swimming club, which is naturally controlled by life essence draining mermaids, why not? Too bad vampires are allergic to water or something, but everything works out (after a completely nonsense musical scene) and the team joins a different club instead. One with less bikinis, but really, it’s kind of a blessing.

Squadron Supreme - Issue 5: "Blood and Sand Part II"

She is extremely excited about throwing that tank!

LAST TIME: Our heroes are still pyschotic murderers who have illusions of world domination, except for the girl who can’t seem to cover her midriff, who apparently was raised by a complete monster. Seriously, she gets raped, and her dad’s all like, “Totally her fault.” And since when is having invulnerability a sign of mortal sin? I’m glad that guy died from being on fire.

Day Break - Episode 1: "Pilot"

Sigh, I’m going to miss superheroes. How about we move on to a supernatural element that is rarely repeated because the only notable instance of it is a perfect movie? The same day repeating itself. We were enamored when it showed itself in Groundhog Day, fanboys were enraged when the device was reused in the infamous Endless Eight arc of the Haruhi Suzumiya anime, and only I remember the Fox original movie 12:01 featuring Martin Landau, which had the exactly same plot and came out the exact same year as Groundhog Day, but it didn’t star Bill Murray, now did it?

So really, what was Fox thinking when it released Day Break, a time loop story that was guaranteed to be way less funny and at least 10 times longer than that superb Ramis classic? Probably that it had dreamboat Taye Diggs in it, and who could complain about that? So let’s watch the pilot, in which we are guaranteed that someone will say, “What?”

Alpha and Omega

The beginning and the ending! That which is, which was, and which will be! I am the Almig…oh wait this is just a dumb movie about wolves.

Netflix Synopsis: When park rangers capture ambitious, head-of-the-pack wolf pup Kate and happy-go-lucky wolf pup Humphrey, the two wind up in a strange land hundreds of miles from home and must find their way back while battling bears, porcupines and each other.

What kind of park rangers have jurisdiction to transfer captured animals hundred of miles from their homes? That seems like the exact opposite of their duties. Also, we’re almost guaranteed to find out what two wolves kissing looks like.

Rosario + Vampire - Episode 5: "School Swimsuits and a Vampire"

Oh man is it time for the beach episode already? I would have hoped we had a little more time. Some time to reflect and think about all the time we had before the beach episode, before the ultimate moment of desperation.

LAST TIME: Some nerds try to get their mack on with the main girls, and it doesn’t work, because they are nerds. Also, the MC creates a conflict that is pointless and doesn’t actually matter. Be prepared for that to happen about ten more times.

Squadron Supreme - Issue 4: "Blood and Sand Part I"

This cover does absolutely nothing for me. It tells me something I already know (this woman is terrible) and doesn’t tell me anything specific about what to expect in the book. So, I hate it. Just out right.

LAST TIME: A lot of punching and a lot of crappy speeches. We learn some dumb history about our team, and someone ends up in someone else’s butt. It was an unpleasant time all around.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 20: "No Ordinary Beginning"

I have nothing more to say about this dumb naming convention! Let us get this show that will refuse to resolve in the can already.

LAST TIME: Darla can travel through time now, and goes to a dark future where her family is hunted by the government and also rolls around in the dirt at one point. But through a series of a completely reasonable actions, they avoided that. Also, Mystique is back from the dead and trying to steal Marcia’s baby.

The True Story of Puss In Boots

Please, I don’t know what Dreamworks told you. I don’t know what dumb extremely successful movie they came out with. This one has Kirk in it. You like Kirk, don’t you?

NetFlix Synopsis: This computer-animated version of the beloved children's story gives magical powers to the boots worn by Puss, whose owner is in love with the Princess. The clever cat is instrumental in helping the lad outwit the Princess's other determined suitors.

Rosario + Vampire - Episode 4: "Farewell and a Vampire"

Leaving already? Who can be leaving? We have met only four characters! And I know for a fact there are 20 more episodes, so what, I ask, is up!

LAST TIME: A preteen witch decides that being a complete lunatic is acceptable, and spends ten minutes grabbing a woman’s breasts, and then tries to ruin some lives! Then she is almost eaten by lizard men, and then something happens, and long story short, she’s also in love with the main character. That’s how this works.

Squadron Supreme - Issue 3: "International Incidents"

You get those boobs away from me!

LAST TIME: The team is sent to go kill a single person who the government knows has mind control powers. The entire team, even the tiny guy and the lady with fate changing powers. It is stupidest strategic decision ever, and I’m beginning to think they just said, “Eh, this America team plan is goddamn stupid, let’s sabotage it immediately.” That’s the only explanation for such a boneheaded stupid move.

No Ordinary Family - Episode 19: "No Ordinary Future"

Is there an ordinary future? Does anyone get to a point in their life where they stop and say, “Yep, this is exactly what I was expecting! Nothing out of the ordinary here"? Boring people do, I bet.

LAST TIME: The criminal who our heroes help get superpowers starts running around killing people. Darla is injured while fighting him, and so Chiklis takes her to the bad guy instead of to a hospital, and they give her even more superpowers, because why not? Also, Marcia is pregnant with Minion’s baby, and that gives her superpowers somehow.