Saturday, January 28, 2012

The Prince and the Pauper: Double Trouble

Just…just look at that. Look at it. Look at that thing.

Netflix Synopsis: When poor beggar Tom Canty and Prince Edward of England meet, they're shocked to find they look exactly alike. The two boys decide to have a little fun and switch places, but the plan backfires in a big way.

0:12 That guy’s middle name is Catherine? Why would he advertise that fact?

0:38 There were totally castles and wolf people in Middle Age England.

1:21 Oh silly ducks! That’s not how you play horns!

2:09 Smile now while you can, for tomorrow, I KILL YOU!

3:02 Man, this peasant lion is a huge dick.

3:33 I can’t help but notice you are green lions. Green! How did that happen?

4:06 What, why did Friar Anthony only teach this kid how to read? He didn’t think the others would be interested?

4:39 You see, this moment is sad, that’s why it immediately started raining.

4:59 HAHA! Take that, you horrible jester thing. Lightning is too good for you.

5:12 Because you’ll catch a cold, you stupid whelp.

5:41 Don’t use this sword, it’s purely decoration and will probably break!

6:15 Why are they dancing, can they hear this awful song?

6:55 Why can’t this guy play with fake wooden swords? And why is he sad, he has a real sword?

7:55 Why did they send a Earl to deliver a message? And this guy is the villain, by the way.

8:46 “How’re are you feeling today, Father?” Well enough to boss you around, you little turd!

9:00 It’s a barbell? Oh, it’s the royal seal.

9:25 Wait, he’s not king yet? Then why did you give him ultimate power?

9:54 Hey, jester, shut the hell up.

10:13 Oh, it’s a derp horse.

10:36 Instead of going home, like a normal person, I’ll just sleep underneath this stone table.

11:35 Wait a minute, I’m alone! I can totally masturbate now!

12:11 It is a beautiful night out!

12:23 Oh sad…he gets kicked, and he immediately assumes it’s his abusive father.

13:04 What is this guard’s problem? Why does he hate the pauper so much? He was just existing.

13:45 Or…he can hide in the secret passage, just so there’s no chance he’ll be seen.

14:38 Well, except for the radically different fur and eye color, but whatever.

16:00 Also, do not pay any attention to the giant mirrors directly in front of you!

16:27 How the hell is he going to eat all that food! And why is the food all cookies and shit? Where are the savories?

17:06 Wait, the only way it could have been poisoned is if you guys did it.

17:42 Like this pineapple, which I will eat whole!

18:00 Hey moron, you are trying to run incognito, remember? Nice job blowing your cover already.

18:05 The fuck is this thing?


18:37 The big question is, what the fuck was he expecting to happen? Of course he’s going to be treated like shit.

19:25 This thing that the Prince specifically hid from me, that’s perfect for cracking nuts.

19:57 Idiot! Bed! 20 feet to your left! Do you not have beds in your peasant home?

20:26 Because you didn’t tell him to…you just kinda said, “Hey, buddy, here’s a nice meal, I’m going to go outside now.”

21:13 Hang on…doesn’t the Jester know that he’s not really the Prince? Why is he acting like he doesn’t? He could clear this up right away.

22:37 Oh this guy is a villain. Mainly because he has a deep voice and is a wolf.

23:08 Don’t do it! That’s how princess Jasmine got in trouble!

23:43 Wait, the king died!? That was quick.

24:14 Who is this guy? Cat man came out of nowhere and just saved the prince for no reason.

25:26 Okay crazy pants, but let’s go to my house first so that I can call the insane asylum! I mean, get you a bath.

26:51 Seriously, fuckhead, stop being such a privileged little bitch. Nobody believes you!

27:19 The cat man just shrugged as if to say, “What is this bullshit?”

28:00 Suddenly it’s nighttime, apparently. Surely nothing important has happened in the past eight hours.

28:21 Thank you, talking donkey, for pointing out how dumb his hat is.

29:38 That’s right, I’ll throw your sisters in the dungeon for no reason! Because I’m a villain!

30:42 Hurray! The jester did something AND his hat got ruined!

31:02 That’s how gravity works, alright.

31:52 Yeah…they both surrendered, I think they figured that out.

32:34 Wait, which castle is this? Shouldn’t they be in…oh, they acknowledge it.

33:07 Oh good, another terrible song. This one about how completely screwed the real prince is.

34:54 I could spit on his face and the king would totally be cool with it!

36:09 It took me like five days to get here! That donkey was really slow!

36:38 Stop shouting, you little jerk.

37:33
UG! Kingdom for a horse drop.

37:49 Wait, how did you get this idea from that stupid quote drop?

38:25 That was the plan? Hide under a cloak and hope it’s confusing enough to cause them all to act stupid.

38:45 Wait, where the hell did the jester go with the cart? You forgot the prince, you idiot!

39:52 Was that John Goodman?! (Of course it wasn’t)

40:37 And they don’t make it back in time! Too bad!

41:09 Hang on…this lady is apparently related to the prince, right? How has she not figured out it’s not really her brother? Also, why is she a panther and he a lion?

42:53 EYE COLOR! EYE COLOR! They have different colored eyes!

43:18 For a second there, I almost hoped he’d forgot to tell the jester where the seal was, thus completely negating the point.

44:15 So, wait, the fact that the pauper totally knew where the royal seal was wasn’t important at all?

45:04 By that I mean the butt!

45:45 The terrible father gets to live in the castle? Screw that noise.

46:16 Holy shit he sat down!

46:43 Woooo! Dance party! For some reason!

47:17 Hang on, you couldn’t be bothered to overlay one of your awful songs over this dance scene?

48:14 For some reason, all the people who worked on “rigging” don’t have last names. In fact, a lot of people who worked on this don’t have full names. That’s pretty weird.

49:13 “I would stand in the rain without you going insane.” That’s kind of a great lyric.

Verdict: That was pretty stereotypically awful. Probably the weirdest bit was the part involving the cat man, who just showed up out of nowhere because there weren’t enough protagonists, I guess. Also, the twin sister green lions. Why did they keep getting mentioned?

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