Rosario+Vampire - Episode 26: "Cross and Family and a Vampire"

Wait, you mean they might revisit those two other vampire sisters that they mentioned for like five seconds and completely forgot about in episode 15? There will be actual plot, instead of just endless panty shots. I really hope so.

LAST TIME: The vampire sacrifices herself really quickly at the start of the episode, then we spend 20 minutes dicking around. Then the main character decides to do something, finally, and now the show is almost over. Hurray!

New Avengers/Transformers - Issue 1

PFFFFFFF okay I will read this comic book where the Avengers meet the Transformers. I mean, what a novel concept in the 80’s. What’s that? This came out in 2008? When people should no longer care about Transformers? Well alright then.

In some corners of the nerd community, this cover appears above the caption “My Two Dads.”

The Gates - Episode 7: "Dog Eat Dog"

So, werewolf-heavy plot, got it. I sure hope all transformations happen behind random construction equipment.

LAST TIME: The sheriff and the vampire stop some kind of murder, which was happening for reasons I didn’t understand. The succubus got back together with the werewolves, and the witch is totally doing something you guys. She might be evil! Maybe!

Rosario+Vampire - Episode 25: "Holy Seal and a Vampire"

Ah, Saint Hoover, may he rest in peace. Wait, that’s probably not what they are talking about.

LAST TIME: There was this wacky mirror that forces everyone to convert to their monster side, except the girls, of course, it just made them super horny. Then there were two vampires for a while, and then there weren’t, and suddenly the Great Barrier went down for some reason. I’m sure you are all on pins and needles to find out what that means!

The Search for Ray Palmer: "Superwoman/Batwoman"

It is unfortunate that DC only numbers their universes up to the number 52, because otherwise this would obviously be Earth-63! Haha, oh, obvious joke. You make my job so easy.

LAST TIME: In Soviet Russia, Superman tries to kill you! A lot of dumb stuff happened, and Batman exploded himself and wore a stupid hat, and then our team managed to escape despite there being no reason why they should have been able to. Anyway, it was dumb.

The Gates - Episode 7: "Digging the Dirt"

Well, yeah. You dig dirt. What else would you dig? Come on, this is a basic saying. Everyone knows this. Dirt gets dug. You digging? If you are pulling up anything but dirt, I don’t know what to tell you. DIRT.

LAST TIME: Someone dies and it looks like a vampire crime, so the sheriff pesters the shit out of his vampire friend until it becomes obvious she died the regular way. Also, witch is up to some mischief, and succubus teenager is still being a goddamn teenager. And I guess blackmail, whatever.

Kiara the Brave

In this animated adventure unrelated to the feature film Brave, Princess Kiara is determined to save her father, King Maximus, who's been kidnapped by his power-hungry brother. With a friend in tow, fearless Kiara sets off on an epic quest.

See? See, it says so right in the description. Totally unrelated. Don’t know why you thought this might be related to this last summer’s blockbuster. What’s wrong with you? Are you on drugs?

Rosario+Vampire - Episode 24: "Lilith's Mirror and a Vampire"

Is Lilith’s Mirror a thing? Should I recognize that? Because it sounds like an item you would find in a Castlevania game, and I’m not sure that’s what they intended.

LAST TIME: The bat decided that he was sick of not being awesome and uses some undefined magic to turn into a human and seduces literally everyone with magic. Of course, the status quo is restored, but in a hilarious fashion that almost made it all worth it. Almost.

The Search for Ray Palmer - Red Son

I think they are overreacting to this street graffiti. I mean, it’s just Superman with a hammer and sickle on his chest, plus some really sloppy block lettering. When in Russia, guys.

LAST TIME: Our “heroes” go to the Gaslight universe, where everything is old-timey, and they participate in a little cosplay, and eventually one of them turns into a vampire, and they fix it somehow. It didn’t make a lot of sense, but the Blue Beetle showed up, and that’s all I care about.

The Gates - Episode 6: "Jurisdiction"

Oh sweet, maybe this episode will have a map showing exactly where The Gates is and its relationship to everywhere else. It’s…obviously it’s own town, it has police and everything, but also there’s a wall surrounding it, and I’m never ever sure when someone is in the town or not. It’s confusing.

LAST TIME: The sheriff is just kinda okay with knowing vampires exist, and everyone forgets about that murder that happened, except the owner of the time, who has tapes of everyone doing evil stuff. Oh, and succubus girl doesn’t want to take her medication for no reason.

Rosario+Vampire - Episode 23: "Pretty Boy and a Vampire"

Oh good, we didn’t have enough anime stereotypes at this point. Anything to take the focus off the shitty love hexagon. Everyone fall in love with the grey-haired man-child.

LAST TIME: Everyone goes on a skiing vacation, everyone is obnoxious, and our main character tries to figure out why the younger sister vampire doesn’t like him. Maybe it’s because he has no personality? Naw, can’t be that.

The Search for Ray Palmer: Gotham by Gaslight

Oh look, more Godzilla Batman. Haven’t we had this cover already, giant Batman? And haven’t all of these so far been about Batman in some way? Midnighter (Wildstorm Batman) got the most play in the first issue, Issue 2 was all about the Jokester (Evil Batman’s arch-nemesis), and Issue 3 was all vampire Batman. Let’s stop talking about Batman, guys. Not all possible worlds have Batman.

LAST TIME: Our heroes are idiots and helped some poor guy get killed by vampire Batman, and then felt really bad about it without even acknowledging that it was all their fault. Also, vampire Batman.

The Gates - Episode 5: "Repercussions"

DAMN RIGHT! Were you guys even paying attention last time?

LAST TIME: THE SHERIFF KNOWS VAMPIRES EXIST! I don’t know what else I need to tell you. Pulling back the curtain is a pretty big deal a third of the way through the season. Oh, and I guess that cute girl was actually a psychopath, whatever.