VeggieTales: Sumo of the Opera

Netflix Synopsis: Larry the Cucumber stars as The Italian Scallion in this wacky VeggieTales adventure. Larry is a wrestler who somehow manages never to finish what he starts. Eventually, his inability to take anything seriously lands him in the ring with Apollo Gourd. Will Larry hang in there to complete the match? Find out in this lesson in perseverance meant to teach kids that when you finish what you start, you come out a winner.

Could they possibly completely garble their culture references here? Do they just have a random element generator that spits out three wildly convergent things and are required to throw them all together in one movie? Also, the correct pun in Apollo Seed. Come on. Hell, I would have accepted Apollo Leek.

I have a hate/reason to hate relationship with VeggieTales. Specifically, in high school I was friends with this group of people who would invite me over to their home and watch it. IN HIGH SCHOOL. I’ve only seen one of these movies, and it was more preachy than entertaining, and obviously biblically-themed, so what could I expect? But this…I don’t even know what this is all about. What the hell does this have to do with Jesus? How about we find out?

Sekirei - Episode 8: "The Sealed Capital City"

That’s true! That’s a true statement right there in the title. I don’t have to argue with it at all. Oh man, what a relief. Now I don’t have to complain about anything ever again.

LAST TIME: Phase Two of the Sekirei Initiative was put into effect, and for some reason we didn’t get to see any of it. Instead we watched more domestic nonsense, a weird flashback, and the new villain walking around being all smarmy and shit. That’s it. So maybe there will be a fight or something in this one? Or who knows, maybe our heroes spend the entire time hiding in their house. That will be fun to watch.

Special Episode: 10:10 Campaign - No Pressure

I will not be embedding any version of this video, because first off I find it gross and I don't you to see it, and second I can't find a version of it on the Internet that isn't being pushed by some wrong-headed lunatics who are throwing around words like eco-terrorists and fascists, or on the other side someone completely denying that there is anything wrong in order to get jabs at the lunatics. Nobody is neutral about this, so I won't support either of them.

So here's what's in this four-minute video that was available for about six hours in late 2010: We start with a teacher of a fifth-grade class being all British and telling her class about this 10:10 campaign, in which it's suggested to reduce 10% of your personal carbon emissions...somehow. Then she asks who would be willing to participate; majority of the class raises their hands. Two of the kids don't, and the teacher is all, "Yeah, sure, whatever, no pressure." Then she pushes a button on her desk and those two children EXPLODE IN GORE. Everyone nearby is splattered with blood, and the teacher pretends that it's totally cool.

AND THEN THE VIDEO KEEPS GOING! Showing us the exact same scene with a bunch of business folk, and then some jackoffs in a field somewhere, and eventually they blow up the celebrity voiceover lady for being mildly dismissive. It was frankly horrifying and disgusting, and I grew more and more upset as it just kept going, as I thought, "How could they work on this, get upward of a hundred actors, editors, gaffers, etc., to work on this and not once someone thought, 'this is gross and we shouldn't do it.'"

Because it is! It's needlessly gorey for shock value. I could go into the content, how the targets are largely people who are uninterested in hearing another goddamn spiel and that it shockingly eliminationist in its approach, with its unsubtle suggestion that we should blow up people who disagree with us, but there are a dozen other blogging nutjobs to tell you that. Oh sure, they will tell you that's how all us liberals think, and we know they're wrong. This was just a terrible attempt to be funny, and it went too far. You do not explode children for not going along with a plan that they have no power carrying out in the first place.

This...might have worked. Maybe one scene, in which you properly establish that the one stupid jerk who won't play along has a dumb reason not to participate. But not random people. Not children. Not celebrities. And you don't go to Saw levels of blood splatter. This is just in terrible goddamn taste, and it shouldn't have been made. All it did was kick the hive and give the dickheads who are completely unwilling to consider the possibility of global warming more reasons to deny. It's too dry and too serious.

So, don't do this. It was a bad idea. Do not try to be "funny" when trying to sway people to your side of a controversial issue. It will only make those who disagree with you hate you more, and those who do agree with you mad for making it worse.

Superman/Batman #10 - Super Girl: “Warrior”

Hell yeah, Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman all teaming up to fight a horde of Doomsdays. Wait a minute, what this have to do at all with the current storyline? Oh wait, this is the variant cover. That makes a lot more sense, as the actual cover (right) features stuff that believably would happen in this issue, mainly, Wonder Woman is doing what she said she would, training Supergirl on her island to keep her away from the nasty influence of boys. Ick boys. Can’t really blame the fanboys at my resource for comic covers for calling the first one the true cover though, it is cool, even though it has nothing to do with nothing. Although I didn’t notice at first, but Batman totally has swords. Two of them. Why does he have swords? When and why would Batman ever use swords?

LAST TIME: Superman and Batman became surrogate adoptive parents of Supergirl’s, going so far as to bicker like a married couple and disapprove of the ridiculous things she chooses to wear. Then Wonder Woman shows up to steal her to protect her from Doomsday. At least, I hope that’s the plan. Otherwise Wonder Woman’s involvement here makes no sense.

Oral-B: Spinning Wheel

Oral-B: Trust us because we send out more free samples than other toothbrush companies, thus insuring that we are used more by cheapskate dentists.

FlashForward - Episode 8: "Playing Cards with Coyote”

Yeah sure okay, how about throwing a little bit of Native American mythology into the mix. Heck, let’s just go full Neil Gaiman and just start making up all kinds of things. Amaterasu can show up and starting hitting dudes with lightning, Baron Samedi can show up with the hat and be all suave and shit, and then Enlil will show up and wonder why nobody knows who he is.

LAST TIME: The FBI visited a death club (with bullets) and basically mucked shit up. Then the black FBI agent TOTALLY COMMITED SUICIDE to save the life of some lady that he didn’t even know, nor really understood how he killed her. But that means that all bets are off, and frankly anything can happen now. Also, Nurse Guy becomes friends with the Babysitter, who is suddenly really into manga, even though she doesn‘t know what kanji looks like.

Sekirei - Episode 7: "The Black Sekirei"

Black Sekirei all be like “Why do I have to be in this crappy anime?” And all the other sekirei take their clothes off.

LAST TIME: The four member of our hero’s League of Ladies has finally signed up, and the game is about ready to start. Also I think the main character just promised to marry a 10-year-old girl. Couldn’t be sure, I was too distracted by the nudity.

Slim Jim - Intensive Care

You know, I could have stood the usual "Do these Man Things are you are not truly a Man" melogurry if they threw us one curve joke. Like, say, a Fremen just standing in the background of the Spice Loss Intensive Care Unit. That would have been funny. But no, instead we have this asshole fake doctor wandering up to his patients and insulting them to their face. Bedside manner, buddy. Get some.

Two additional notes: Maybe check the first guy for a concussion, because who irons his jeans? Also, this commercial is so manly that we don't even get to see a woman's face (okay, at one point a lady does turn around, but NOT the girlfriend character, and there is not a single female employee in this stupid hospital.)

Superman/Batman #9 - Supergirl: “Visitor”

Batmanzilla is watching you.

LAST TIME: Supergirl’s back. She was naked. No really, that is the only thing that happened last issue. I sure something else happens in this issue, because if it’s just more sexy fish out of water nonsense, I’ll just go watch Splash.

FlashForward - Episode 7: "The Gift”

One person gets a watch chain, one person gets some combs, everyone is disappointed, especially me.

LAST TIME: The kid with the problems suddenly shows up at the FBI family house, and get everything all stirred up, and I could not be more bored with their lives. Also, Dmitri and Black FBI Agent who still doesn't have a subplot yet find a couple of bodies whose hands have been painted blue. Surely, this is significant. This episode, they will surely explain the Yukuza from Episode 5. SURELY.

Gnomes and Trolls: The Secret Chamber

Netflix Synopsis: This delightful animated adventure follows teenage gnome Junior, whose stern father has forbidden him to invent weird gadgets. When the troll king and his sons invade the forest, however, Junior needs every ounce of his ingenuity to combat them.

Wait, a gnome is forbidding his son from tinkering? But that’s what gnomes do! Unless, of course, it’s a random, crappy, who-cares fantasy gnome with a pointy hat…which seems to be the case here. I also love the colon, like this is part of a series and people will actually be making more of these. (This is what I get for actually doing research: Gnomes and Trolls 2)

Also, pointing out a couple things that are blatant lies. First, the center character is in fact shorter than the guy on his left that appears to be half his size. Heck, all the proportions are off. Second, the banner is misleading; as Joel Cohen and Alex Sokolow are executive producers, not actually involved in the production at all. Also, even if they were…these are the two morons responsible for Daddy Day Camp. Let’s get going!

Sekirei - Episode 6: "Maison Izumo Flower War"

Flower War? Are they going to be playing Hanafuda in this episode? Because at least that would make a small amount of sense, as opposed to the usual complete nonsense the title means. Also, again with the out-of-nowhere French. The word is “House.” Look it up.

LAST TIME: The hero reluctantly accepts another Sekirei, and already personalities are clashing. And it turns out there’s another hot chick who wants to kill him! Oh boy, what an awful awful situation for him. Also some subplots that don’t involve nudity, so who cares?

Verizon - Tablets

Verizon: Sure hope you have home insurance!

Okay, I can kinda see the point. You need to convey that you can leave your house with your tablet because of your neat 4G whatever, and explosions are neat, but these explosions look ridiculous. Frankly, with such stupid destruction, I expect either the Juggernaut and the Kool-Aid man, and I'm upset I'm getting neither.

Superman/Batman #8 - Supergirl: "Alone"

I was finding it hard to review comic books, because most of the time the book I chose was pretty much random, just some issue I happened to have picked up that week that I thought would be funny to read. It just felt disjointed and I had to readjust my mindset each time. Then I realized I was doing it all wrong. For all my other sections, I focused on a single show, or a single very specific genre. So obviously, I should start reading whole story arcs at once, or miniseries. Sure, it makes the book I’m doing a bit more inaccessible, but hey, I’ll be pulling all the stories from trades, right?

So to start, I’m going to visit both a series and a character I find myself liking despite myself. I like the newest Supergirl, naïve and lonely, but determined. And even though I dislike Superman and Batman on their own, in their team-up series their Odd Couple dynamic just works for me. So why not look at Supergirl’s reintroduction to the DCU in an early arc in the series, that somehow brought Supergirl into continuity despite the book being outside continuity (I don‘t get it either)? I mean, surely it‘s good, it’s written by…oh dear, Jeph Loeb. Well, maybe it’ll be pretty?

FlashForward - Episode 6: “Scary Monsters and Super Creeps”

Oh sorry, I wasn’t aware this show was written by a 10-year-old girl. Super creeps? Come on.

LAST TIME: Holy shit the Yakuza showed up and shot guns! And then there was a completely bullshit gun fight and a lesbian got stabbed and some background character suddenly got a ton of background development. We learn that alcohol controls pretty much every character, and also that when your story starts to drag, it’s perfectly acceptable to throw in a rocket launcher.

Sekirei - Episode 5: “The Water Sekirei”

Because we’re already met the Plant Sekirei, the Lightning Sekirei, the Computer Sekirei, and the Boob Sekirei. Okay, so I guess they’re all Boob Sekirei.

LAST TIME: So…our hero now has two women at his beck and call, although one is a 9-year-old girl who seems to do nothing but be scared of stuff, so that’s less helpful. Although there is a third woman who is spying on him that apparently can control space lasers, and she’s just ambushed him naked. Oh, and his sister found a pretty boy, whatever the hell that means.

Perrier: Le Club

Perrier: We still make fucking water, right?

I advise you not to go to the website listed, because it's an insanely stupid music video populated by complete morons acting like you can get drunk and have a wild time while drinking overpricing water. Of course, it reveals all this in an "innovative" "growing video," in which they revealed more and more of their shitty water party based on how many morons look visit their dumb website. Of course, since it's on the Internet, it's already reached maximum capacity by the time I got to it. Yep.

The Outsider #1

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FlashForward - Episode 5: "Gimme Some Truth"

 Please! Hehehe. No, but seriously, what’s with the colloquial spelling? Is a young, hip black person from the late 1980’s going to deliver this line during the show?

LAST TIME: The writers suddenly remembered they had two more female characters, so they get looped back in, lucky them. The doctors deal with a stupid medical drama in which a guy thinks he’ll be a black man in the future, when really he has Ronald Reagan’s disease, I didn’t get it either. Also some more boring crap.

Fly Me to the Moon

NetFlix Synopsis: Three ordinary flies -- best friends Nat, IQ and Scooter -- have the adventure of their lives when they stow away on Apollo 11 for its trip to the moon. As friends and family anxiously watch the lunar landing on television, the trio makes a crucial repair that could save the mission. Christopher Lloyd, Tim Curry and Kelly Ripa lend their voices to this charming animated feature, with a special appearance by real-life astronaut Buzz Aldrin.

Oh man, is Buzz Aldrin going to punch a guy in this?! Okay, probably not. I also like the “could” in the second sentence, as if this movie has a possibility that the rocket could explode in space, unlike how the events happened in actual history.

Also, because of a story that I’m not going to tell you, this movie is responsible for why I try not to swear in public. So, I’m going swear extra hard in this review. Fuck you, Fly Me to the Moon.

Sekirei - Episode 4: "Strange Story About Izumosou"

I suppose that title would mean something to me if I could remember who the hell Izumosou was. I’m betting it’s the man/lady who has the secret life as a guy with a rag on his face who hasn’t done anything interesting yet.

LAST TIME: Our main character gets a goddamn job, and accidentally runs into the twins from the first episode and their Trainer or whatever, a big buffoon. Together, they hunt down the Green Girl, a 9-year-old girl that the main character eventually “bonds” with (disturbing). Also, someone fights somebody else in the street without any ill effect, and a bunch of people stand on roofs and talk in code to each other.